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Justin Tiemeyer

Kissing and the Humorously Oblivious

After the fact, my mother had recounted a situation she witnessed when she came to visit me at work one time. She remembered walking into the doors of the video store and seeing Christina and I talking, and with the way Christina was standing and the expression on her face, she thought that she was going to witness this girl move over and kiss me. My mother was much more observant of the tell-tale signs of flirtation and crushes than I was.

Christina and I were working an evening shift with our manager Jeremy, and as she prepared to leave she mentioned the fact that it was now dark outside and she was a little frightened to walk to her car alone. Had her female intuition told her of my inclination toward those deeds that seemed honorable and noble or at least somewhat chivalrous?

I was unaware of Christina’s intentions until the very moment she brought her plan to action. I braced myself as she jumped into my arms, wrapped her legs around me and began kissing my mouth passionately. It was dramatic. This is true. But the moment was smudged by some degree due to the fact that I did not know how to kiss this woman back. What is one to do in such a situation?

My mouth remained firmly in the gasp that it had been in when I was first surprised by this woman, but I knew that I could not maintain this forever. "I must express my problem," I thought to myself, "Or else she might find this situation awkward." It was important that I did not ruin this moment, so I kindly explained into her open mouth that I did not know how to kiss.

Of course, she just kept kissing and when in Rome one does as the Romans do. When one is being kissed by a girl on a dark night just outside a video store, one kisses back. After the fact, I realized what a simple deed kissing was. I remember hearing a rumor that if a child is birthed into a swimming pool, it will swim about as if this were the most natural thing a baby can do, as if the baby had been given nine months of swimming lessons prior to birth. It was much the same with kissing and all those acts associated with kissing.

After that, however, it was no longer a question of being able to kiss - such is a given - but now a question of being able to kiss well. Perhaps in ten or fifteen years there will be a blog regarding when you became a good kisser, and perhaps in ten or fifteen years I will have such a story.

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